Years ago I was dedicated to a practice of shamanic journeying. I was in college and fascinated by this powerful practice that gave so much insight and offered such a deep connection to the creative force. I loved to see the ways in which Shamans from various cultures brought back similar teachings from the world beyond, even mapping out the landscape with uncanny accuracy. I had such a passion for exploring the messages from the various beings and realms of the Shaman’s World.
Without realizing it, this practice fell away from me. Perhaps the shaman’s drum didn’t fit into my life as a busy working mother- the role I was trying so hard to play. Non-ordinary reality did not have a place in my very ordinary world.
Now, years later, with a complete transformation of my entire life and a full Kundalini Yoga and meditation practice, I find myself longing to return to the drum and the insight its beat can access. Almost instantly upon this realization, I was gifted a shamanic healing and massage session. I had never experiencing anything like this.
I had journeyed plenty and I have had my share of massages, but they seemed two separate worlds. Integrating the two seemed genius, and I was soon to discover how much it was so.
Before beginning I was asked to set an intention. Which one to choose? I thought, but soon settled on the one that seemed the most urgent and most far-reaching; how to step into my power and from this space how to open my heart fearlessly. A pretty big question to ponder- my ordinary reality experiences were not offering me answers to this, so it was time to take my question to the world beyond.
The adventure begins as I disrobe and lay on the massage table. I could feel the excitement in me for what is in store- a return home to a world I once so intimately knew. I enter the earth through a familiar spot along Deer Creek. Quickly the walls of the cave turn crystaline and glow. I encounter an old friend in this world who takes form as a wolf. Soon we are running at the speed of light through the Universe. We become one, this silver wolf and I. I feel her loyalty, her motherly instincts, her animal warmth- feelings that have been returning to me after being distant in recent months. She is so fast and graceful, so powerful and strong. We reach a realm where her dark eyes and silver coat encounter the black wolf with silver eyes- the piece to complete the yin-yang of light and dark. This is her mate. This is the male archetype that I have longed for but never fully understood. My longing has caused such pain in my life as I had sought this outside of myself. Yet here the black wolf is. Beyond anything a human- always near and available, in fact, a part of me or rather I am a part of it. I know this wolf, and in this moment I realize how its subtle presence has always been there and now that my awareness of it has become attuned I will never feel alone. I feel the power in this pack of wolves. In a moment I have a vision of the silver wolf singing to the moon. I have a deep connection to the moon (don’t we all) and have been working to open up my voice so that I too can sing to the moon. This image was deeply symbolic and had such a powerful meaning to me as I do this sometimes painful work of opening my voice to release the music in my heart.
I ask wolf to take me to a place of power. Our journey takes us to a fabric of space that is like a golden foam. This “foam” expands with my breath until I realize that it resembles the tissues of the lungs. It is as if the Universe is breathing and all is golden and healing with the breath itself making up the “dark matter” of space. I am filled with this deep golden healing.
In a totally different realm, my body is getting one of the most amazing deep tissue massages of its life. The powerful hands of a very adept practitioner accessing the deep wounds and drawing healing energy from the world beyond. Working with the sounds of power songs and rattles to move the energy with directness and love.
Through this dance between worlds, the question comes to me- why do I give away my power? My first answer comes weakly- out of love. I realize that love would not require me to give up my power and there is a deep answer I don’t want to uncover. I sit with the question, unraveling its many threads. There is silence, so I keep asking the question. More silence. My questioning persists. The answer reluctantly comes- I give away my power so that those I give my power too need to become my guardian. This was a bit disgusting to me to realize. Having prided myself on independence, I was appalled to see the manipulative energetic dance that I had created. I unconsciously agreed to hand over my power, but expected to be taken care of in exchange. Out of childish fear I had created the belief that someone could care for me better than the Universe, TheOne, could and handed them the keys to my life and with that the responsibility too. Whew. That was a lot to own, and a lot to reclaim.
Many more lessons of healing came to me during this journey, many of which will take time to process and integrate into my waking reality. I left the session feeling a deep, deep bliss. The truth of my being uncovered and healed. My body and soul mended and renewed.
Upon returning, home I pulled out my Power Animal Cards to look up the significance of Wolf. Wolf was the first card I drew from the deck. I was stunned to see that Wolf’s message was Guardian- You Are Safe and Protected At All Times. It gave me permission to let down the barriers I had established to protect myself and permission to be outrageous in expressing my love. Family, Loyalty, Friendship and Teaching were all a part of Wolf’s Medicine. This reinforced my lesson that I can step into my power, fully, completely and that is the only way to love truly and outrageously.
With that said, I love you all fiercely like a wolf loves those of its pack- naturally and with no expectation or need for return.
TayaTaya Malakian is a poet, an artist, a yogini, a mother, and a minister/spiritual advisor. She strives to be a "Medicine Woman for the Modern World" bringing deep wisdom, ceremony and soulfulness into every aspect of daily life. She lives in Nevada City, Ca.View all posts by Taya →